It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
