What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
