I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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