went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
