mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
