Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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