I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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