he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
