I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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