You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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