He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
that may or may not have been my penis.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
