I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
where are you?
Hypothermia
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
