A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
