So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
