Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
