just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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