and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
