i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
the day after is always just damage control
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Randomize
