she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
