Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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