I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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