I think my fart just growled at me.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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