3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
