You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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