I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Randomize
