I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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