so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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