I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
