where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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