Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Randomize
