Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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