I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
