how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
