theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Randomize
