Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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