wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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