He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
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This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
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Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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