sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
