Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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