Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
