This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
