Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize