Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
