i would punch a child for taco bell
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
