who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
