I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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