i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
