Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
