How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
