Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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