Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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