so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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