he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
