Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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