I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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