i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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