Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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